To Prevent Police Harassment, Don't Forget the Sunscreen

So you’ve decided to ignore the Arizona boycott and make a politically incorrect visit to the Grand Canyon State. Nice. Why let your conscience get in the way of your vacation to the Sonoran Desert? Before you make your trip to Arizona,

there are a few facts you need to be aware of so that you can have a safe time in the Gestapo State.

First, remember that Arizona is an “English Only” state. That means that speaking foreign languages will not be tolerated there. That includes Spanish (or “Mexican”, as the locals say), French, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Italian, (especially) Persian, American Sign Language, Morse Code and the following types of verbal communication: pig Latin, baby talk, speaking in tongues or talking like a dog similar to Scooby Doo or Astro.

(Rut row!)

Arizonans take this law seriously! In 2004, a Scottsdale teacher claimed to be enforcing English immersion policies when she allegedly slapped students in her class for speaking Spanish. So don’t be surprised if you order an entrée or soup du jour at a local restaurant and then get slapped across the face by your waiter.

In fact, for safety purposes, it is recommended to stay away from any establishment that serves ethnic or foreign food. By patronizing these establishments you will create unwanted suspicion from locals regarding your culinary preferences and your residency status. Even eating at a Taco Bell may provoke a “probable cause” arrest to check your immigration status by the local police.

Arizona offers an array of hotels for you to stay, based on your color. From the sparkling all-white, upscale spas to the very colorful Motel 6 hotels, Arizona will make sure you get a taste of their long, time-honored history of segregation. From the segregation of Hispanics in the public school system in the 1950s to the present day segregation of inmates at the Maricopa County Jail, tourists can marvel in disbelief at the Arizona apartheid customs.

While you are visiting the abysmal “Tent Jail” at the Maricopa County Jail, be sure to drop by and say “hello” to frequent Fox News commentator and civil rights violator, the world-renown racist Joe Arpaio, the Maricopa County Sheriff.

Traveling to the Maricopa County Jail is easy: from the George C. Wallace International Airport, just take the Manifest Destiny Highway north and exit on the Frito Bandido Road.

Exploitative group tours of the internationally infamous “Tents Jail” can be scheduled in advance by calling: 602-876-5551. If your children are acting up on your vacation, you can even put them in tent city for up to

24 hours. Just dare them to ask, “Are we there yet?” one more time. http://www.mcso.org/include/modules/Faq/pdf/SMART_Tents.pdf

Finally, most importantly, remember to wear sunscreen with at least 50 SPF+. Arizona is a desert wasteland, so without protection from the sun, your skin will turn darker, thus provoking harassment and questions by the local police regarding your residency status.

So make sure you stay white and legal.