Make a mental note: Never go shopping with Larry

Poll: Have you ever gotten into a fight or spat at a retail store? Am I the only one that includes “have verbal confrontation with complete and total stranger” on my shopping list?

Well, unfortunately it seems to be happening to me rather frequently, maybe it is part of the aging process; I can hardly wait until I’m old enough to walk with a cane just so I can shake it at these impertinent, young whippernsnappers.

Yesterday, I was at Costco. A couple of co-workers and I went during lunch to shop for refreshments for a retirement party. Normally, I shy away from being part of a party planning committee but as Denise Richards says: its complicated. I am new to this area and I am trying to increase my social capital.

Anyhoo, the store was extremely crowded during lunch. I like Costco I just don’t like the people that shop at Costco. Example: while we were making our way to the bulk size cookie aisle, some woman talking on her cell phone inadvertently rammed her shopping cart into one of my work mates, really hard. Did she apologize? Did she even acknowledge she made a mistake? No, she changed the direction of her rickety-ass cart and continued on her empty-headed way.

We finally stocked up on all of the crap for the party and I was thankful to be waiting in the long check out line, about eight shopping carts deep, just so I could finally get the hell outta there. My two co-workers became overly giddy at the thought of going to the food kiosk for some pizza and a soda, I told them to go ahead and I would check out (it seems like these episodes always happen when I am by myself).

So there I am waiting in line, minding my own Mexican business, when one of the Costco employees mercifully opened up another check out counter. “I’ll take the next person in line” was what he said (sidebar: Is it me or is there something strangely erotic about that suggestion?).

So I am cart number 4 in line. Carts number 1 and 2 move over to the open check out lane and before carts 3 and 4 (me) move up, this woman with a bad perm and dye job zooms in from out of nowhere and starts unloading her cart onto the checkout counter.

Now she was cutting her eyes over to us, trying to see if we would say anything and yet trying to feign innocence, like she didn’t know we were there.

Sure I could’ve stood there and not said anything, but I knew if I didn’t, it would bug me for the rest of the day. The Asian woman ahead of me (cart 3) was exhibiting body language (hands on hips, pursed lips) that she was upset but it didn’t look like she was going to do anything about it.

So before I could stop myself, I was up at the counter and said to the cretin, "I just wanted to let you know that you cut in front of two other people that were waiting in line."

"So what do you want me to do about it?" was her response, no apology, just irritation.

The Asian woman finally spoke up, "yeah, you cut in line." By now people were starting to notice what was going on and we started to get a small audience.

The idiot responded, "Well, what do you want me to do, put all my items back in my basket."

This was a no-brainer, the Asian woman and I looked at each other and both said, "yeah we would like it if you did that."

Since she made the offer in front of all of these people looking on, she had to make good on it.

She put all of her things back in her cart and glared at us the whole time we were checking out.

What a bitch! I tell you this is a perro coma perro mundo.

I should know better than to fight with strangers in stores, hell this is Texas, where everyone is packing heat. Well if you ever read about me getting shot in the newspapers you can say to yourself, "You just shoulda let it go Larry, just let it go.